It’s been a while since I posted on this blog. Last time I was here, I raved about my (not so) new (anymore) lover, and about how wonderful she is.
Well, we’re engaged now, and it’s simultaneously the best and worst feeling ever, for now.
It’s the best because I’ve finally found someone I love, someone I love more than I love myself. It’s the best because she understands me, and I can relate to her. It’s the best because I’m not alone anymore, nor do I have to be.
It’s the worst feeling though, because I need her every minute of every day. It’s the worst because I don’t spend my nights with her, nor do I see her every day. It’s the worst because I’m jealous about her, and would keep her in my pocket 24/7 if I could. It’s the worst because I crave her in every way imaginable, and it’s almost unbearable…
She’s my everything, my all. She’s my world. Although I’m not your typical “lesbian” (I’m not lesbian at all, just by the way), being with her is the most natural feeling in the world. She’s absolutely amazing. I love her and all she stands for, and I can’t imagine my life without her from this moment forward. Until recently, I believed myself “tough”, in the sense that I’d never allow myself to get hurt in a relationship ever again. And I haven’t. However, in loving my fiancè, I’ve laid myself open to precisely that type of hurt, knowing she won’t hurt me. Trusting she won’t hurt me….
But a person’s mind works overtime, and ideas form that you never thought capable. And that’s when you end up sabotaging yourself and your relationship.
I love my lady, with all my heart. But I guess, until she’s my wife, I’ll never feel completely secure. So sometimes, particularly in the mood I’m in now, I feel almost depressed that I’ve laid my heart so bare….
There’s a saying somewhere: “The person who loves the least, controls/ has the power in the relationship.” I’m not saying she doesn’t love me….
I just feel … powerless.